Need some help, opinions.

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jeffnmo

jeffnmo

Just another Mopar Maniac
Joined
Sep 5, 2010
Messages
711
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Location
south carolina
Hello Fellow FABONITES,
I need some help, and Opinions. First a little about me, I'm 61 years oooold, back in the 80's I was broad sided by a truck who ran a red light, I was driving a Ford Courier pick up, and it messed my back up bad. Fast forward to twenty-two years ago, I couldn't work any more. I finally received disability nine years ago, Mo is also on disability from Cancer 20 years ago. I finally got a Spine pain stimulator surgically put in my back a month ago and it is working well. I met Maureen (Mo) back in 1985, she was Married and came from England and had one kid, I was Married and had two kids. During that time we were both divorced, I walked into a bar 24 years ago and she was sitting all alone, Friends said stay away she is pissed-off, so I asked to set with her, we went home together that night and it has been pure joy up until six or so months ago. Mo had a stroke November 4 2017, It only seemed to affect her left arm the worst. She had Physical Therapy people come two our home 2 times a week for 3 months too help with her arm and test her motor and brain functions, She did great, after the three months she did her exercises off and on, after a year I tried my best to get her out of her chair and exercise, it didn't go so well and 6 months ago she stated telling me to get f**ked, I hate you, wish I never met you and get out, quit nagging me and every thing under the sun. She said I can do every thing while she just sets there watching. The worst thing she said is I give up, I quit, I'm never doing another thing again, I'm just going to sit here and be lazy. I want you folks to know all I ever wanted to do was help her. That lasted about 3 months, we talk now but the damage is done, Mo tells me I know what I have to do to get better but I just don't want to, I want to drive again and do normal things like help me but I just don't want to? Mo tells me she knows she can get better but just doesn't care? Well here is the big question. I'm going to leave her, her daughter and grown up boys live here in town and I hope they will take care of her, her daughter did desert her shortly after she came home and her Grandsons rarely come buy. Zach her oldest grandson is coming here this Saturday to talk about it. I talked to him on the phone and it went real well, I reminded him that years ago I told him I would never leave his Nana Mo and keep her safe and well, I told him that is a promise I may have to brake, he understood, but I feel like a total D-Bag. But maybe the change will get her to snap out of it and get her to getting better. I feel guilty as ****, will I be abandoning her? My point is that she knows she can get better but she just wants a servant to do everything. My Awesome son and his wife already have a room for me. Please give your honest opinions I need help. Sorry this is so long. Thank You for all and any help. If her family won't take her, I will stay.

Jeff
 
You have to look out for number one. You can't help her if she doesn't want to do it for her self.
 
Sad story.
I don't know if this is the place for getting advice on such a complex manner. IN my self admitted limited knowledge of aging and health concerns, it appears that she may have some form of age related depression. People with health problems often slip into depression and feel like life is over for them. You really should speak with a health care professional or a social worker to resolve this. She may be able to improve herself with some help.
 
My personal advice, coming from someone that sees that you wouldn't have conflict about this if you didn't care, is to explore options about treating the root cause of the problem: Depression.

The beauty of this is, if she's truly unmotivated to get up or do anything, then she'll either find motivation when they come to help her, by getting up to leave (an improvement over her current state), or she'll be unmotivated enough to sit and live through it, which may help her. Remember, rock bottom is that one has nothing left to lose, and it doesn't sound like y'all are there yet, although it is clear that you are exasperated with the situation and rightfully so. There are still options, so we know you're not at the end of your rope although this may feel like it right now (it will not always feel this way).

If she is depressed, she may feel like a burden to you, and want you to leave and be happy without being able to say that. I take this as a sign that she still cares about you, deeply. Consider asking her if this is true. Depression is a bizarro-reverso world in someone's head, compared to outside where things make more sense. Remember, this is not your fault, and it's not her fault, either.

Don't leave if your conscience tells you that you have haven't done everything yet. But take some time, and do something for yourself before you decide where to go next. It doesn't sound like she needs round-the-clock care, and you can enjoy your life and find strength to work through this. Volunteer somewhere. Make a gift for someone. GET SOME EXERCISE. Or just go for a drive. Any of these things will help you feel better, and help clear your head. If you're physically able, walk a few miles (but don't give yourself a heart attack doing so).
Sounds like you might be a bit depressed, yourself. Talk to a therapist. Ask your therapist about what to do, and discuss a deadline for change in you, or Mo. Once that point is reached, and you've done what you can, then you can leave and be at peace about it.

I have a friend who's wife had a massive aneurysm, and it drastically changed her, and no long after his daughter and grand-daughter passed away. He's a very good person, is dealing with it in his own way, and if you're interested, I can pass along to him and see if he'd like to talk with you (I bet he would), but even if he doesn't, know that there's at least one other person going through the same thing. That means that there are some nearby to you, too. Support groups are highly recommended, low-cost, and surprisingly effective at helping you cope, even if nothing else changes. They might even have one for Mo. You and Mo are NOT alone. This happens to many people, and it is not insurmountable even if it feels like it is right this minute.

PM me if you need to talk.
 
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I did not mention it, I should have. I have talked to the proper people and they say that this does happen, Mo is on anti depression meds and other meds, She says she is not depressed, she doesn't care. Now Mo can do some things, make a sandwich and get drinks, snacks but never puts anything away, she is not in the chair 24/7. Her personal hi-gene is not to good. Jos51700, thank You, I may PM you. Also I'd like to say, my life has improved so much since my surgery I feel like I could run 10 miles. Mo is the absolute love of my life, I can't stand to see her like this and can't sit and watch her fade away in that chair, and I've told her this.

Jeff
 
Jeff, I can't imagine what you are going through. I'm not great at this type of advice. Please know that a lot of us are thinking of you and are behind you in whatever decisions you end up making. Keep trying to get through to her, but realize it's hard to help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. We all have our breaking point, so don't come down on yourself too hard. I wish I was more help...
 
I am disabled and use a wheelchair to get around and have so for a long time. I think if people kept helping me that I would just give up too. I cannot stand having people help me, but it's a good feeling sometimes, but I can't get too used to it. My advice would be for you to get away and get some distance between you and I think it would be good for both of you. I think your mental health needs it and hers as well. She needs to recover then get some zest back for life and you need to take care of yourself and be happy. Just life is too short to not be happy. I've seen some guys take care of their miserable wives who yell and scream at them and it just isn't right. Go get some distance between you and maybe 3 to 6 months from now things will be different.
 
Man, you're in a tough spot.
I worked in a Vet's home for 10 years, and we'd often get new residents in that would think the CNA's are maids. That ended real quick.. we're here to help those that need it. We pushed real hard for anyone that can do something for themselves to do so,and often that took more time and patience than just doing it for them. To me, that sounds like what you're dealing with.
Once they'd quit doing stuff for themselves as much as they can, they'd go downhill.

It sounds to me like you've wrestled with this for a while, and it's tearing you apart. It sounds like you know what you need to do for YOU at this point.

I'm not a psychologist or a marriage counselor or anything, so take anything I type with a grain and all that.

Hope things work out for you.
 
jeffnmo said:
I did not mention it, I should have. I have talked to the proper people and they say that this does happen, Mo is on anti depression meds and other meds, She says she is not depressed, she doesn't care. Now Mo can do some things, make a sandwich and get drinks, snacks but never puts anything away, she is not in the chair 24/7. Her personal hi-gene is not to good. Jos51700, thank You, I may PM you. Also I'd like to say, my life has improved so much since my surgery I feel like I could run 10 miles. Mo is the absolute love of my life, I can't stand to see her like this and can't sit and watch her fade away in that chair, and I've told her this.

Jeff
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Remember that anti-depression meds are basically unknown in how they function. Med A, B and C might have negligible effects and Med D might be the right one. If she's been on it for months and you feel that it's not helping, talk to your doctor about switching it up.
Also, if it's at ALL possible, get her some exercise. This is far more effective for most people than meds.
 
The care takers role is a tough one in it self let alone one that is abused. I know I could not do it. I'm disabled and life has its challenges for me but caring for someone who has more needs than I, no. Love has little to do with it but limitations do, she will be better served by professionals. Get the county nurse involved or what ever social service you can to get her help. Possibly a nursing home is what she needs. Possibly tougher decisions need to be made than where you live.
 
Lots of good advice here Jeff. A little "distance" between you and Mo would be good. What I mean is a new hobby or routine for you. Mo may come around and participate after a while?
I would also suggest help in some way for her, whether it's a therapist, doctor or nurse. Reach out. A stroke in conjunction with possible depression is something that any person would need help with.
Thanks for speaking up!
 
You Guys are some great people, Thank You. Mo will get through this and so will I, Don't know how right now, but we will.

Jeff
 
My wife and I were together 40yrs. Depression took her to heaven. I believe the meds had a lot to do with it. Seek help and God Bless
 
I'm going to say this about antidepressants, I have been treated for PTSD and have taken a few. On the information givin to me with every medication there was a list of possible side effects and one was worsening depression and in my case that's what happened. So being on antidepressants isn't always a fix and can be like dancing with the devil.
 
I am in a similar boat. Kitty has had four heart attacks and a stroke. They all changed her and she doesn't see it. But I took a vow and I'm stickin to it. Not saying anything bad about you.....please don't take it that way. But Kitty has absolutely NO ONE and I mean NO ONE to take care of her. I am it. So........I am it.
 
Nothing taken the wrong way at all. If her family will not step up, I won't leave her, I could never do that.

Jeff
 
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