Tom, you're in my prayers.
As you know, I've been walking this path before you and it tears my heart out to have to see you walk it. I can't offer words of healing, as the healing never stops. "Time heals all wounds." No, time only dulls the pain, but the pain is still there, ready to pop up again with a sight, a sound, a scent, a song.
While I can't offer words of healing, I'm hoping that maybe I can offer words of comfort and words for strength.
You are going to walk into dark days ahead. There's no doubt about that. Random moments of darkness, clouding over you. You mustn't stop in those dark spots, because you'll never want to walk back out. Those dark spots will consume you. The idea is to anticipate those dark spots and either continue to walk on through or learn to walk around them.
I sat in a room for damn near a month, with the curtains drawn, only going outside to take the dog to her cage run. I sat and watched TV without ever thinking. I counted down the minutes 'til bedtime, even though I had just gotten up. There was no focus, no purpose, no life left in me. I understand where you're coming from.
But there is hope, Tom. There is the Hope of God. I told people repeatedly that ours was the grief, where Sarah's was the Glory. She was sang to Heaven where she stood and looked in the face our Lord and she Lived! She was able to hold the loved one who went there before her, most especially our daughter.
And while the angels celebrated a new arrival and Jesus Himself greeted her at the door, Jesus turned a tear filled eye towards us. He doesn't want to see His children in pain, but the world is broken. It's a world filled with sadness and that was never His intent as He created Paradise for us to forever to walk with Him. But we broke Paradise and as a result we now live in a world where cancer, brain tumors, and stillbirth happens.
I know when Sarah and I lost Katie God above was just as much in grief as we were (and I am). Katie would have been 13 this year. I look into the eyes of her little brother and wonder what have I done to deserve such a blessing.
And that's what you have to look forward to, Tom. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but there are blessings to come. There always will be. And those blessings will be touched with sadness as you look at them and think of Dee. "If only Dee were here to see this," will come to your mind. I know. There isn't a day that goes by in which I think of something that makes me say the same thing about Sarah.
Those blessings, Tom, are part of God's vision for your life, now and in the future. Your daughters will continue to grow. They will get married. And you'll think, "If only Dee were here to see this," and then you'll realize how blessed you are to see your daughters hit such a milestone and how much they - and you - love their mother. They will have children whom you will be able to hold and you'll think, "If only Dee were here to see this," and then you'll realize how blessed you are for having loved Dee and bring about those grandchildren all because two people fell in love.
And I can tell you, Tom, that there is no force in Heaven or in Hell, that will take away that love you have for Dee. And for that you're blessed. It's because of that love that you feel the pain you're in. It's because of that love you can stand and look at your daughters and know they are blessed for the love you feel for them, for the love of their mother, for the love they have for each other. They were raised in a household of love, Tom, and for that they are blessed.
A new chapter in your life is beginning. It's a sad thought. No one wants to begin a new chapter as it means closing the old one. But in that, the old one can't be edited and no words in the chapter can be taken away. It is set in stone. And for that, you are blessed. That book can be re-opened and re-read and re-accounted to the next generation as you tell the story of Dee to all who will listen. And there will be those who listen: your daughter's future spouses, your future grandchildren, and they will hear the love in your voice as your talk about her, they will see the light in your eyes and know that you're in love, all over again.
I'm sorry, Tom. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but take strength in knowing that there are brighter days in the future in which you'll laugh and share your memories and you'll hear the sound of laughter when you re-count those stories for people who didn't know Dee. You'll be introducing people to a woman they've never met and it will make your heart sing when you do.
I'm here, Brother. We're here. There are a few on this site who are walking this path before you to whom you can reach out. There are a more who are willing to listen. Don't be afraid to talk and don't be afraid to share.
