Some great one liners

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Mark Wainwright

Mark Wainwright

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After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it !

Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!" I've sent her my ironing. That'll keep her busy!

The wife's been hinting she wants something black and lacy for her birthday. So I've got her a pair of football boots!

Growing up with a dyslexic father had its advantages. Whenever he caught me swearing, he used to wash my mouth out with soup!

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked the dinner, so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm!

Anyone got an owner's manual for a wife? Mine's giving off a terrible whining noise!

My wife apologized for the first time ever today. She said she's sorry she ever married me!

My wife said I needed to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and ignored her all day for no reason!


Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 per cent. It's called a wedding cake!

Things turned really ugly at my house last night. The wife removed her makeup!


My wife shouted at me this morning for not opening the car door for her. I would have, but I was too busy swimming to the surface!
 
Good ones!

I called my wife an angel because she was always up in the air harping over something........
 
I love my wife to death, but so far she's still breathing

EDIT
I really do love my wife of 42 years, and really would not wish her any ill will. I'm hoping not to drop dead until our 60th anniversary. I'll be 84 to her 81,so it might be a lil iffy.
But sometimes my wife jokes are just not that funny.
 
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You know you're a redneck when:

Your home is mobile and the 3 cars in the yard are not.
 
Rodney Dangerfield:

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I’ll tell ya, my wife and I, we don’t think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I’ll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.

I’m a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass!

My wife isn’t very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, “Did you see the guy that did it?” She said, “No, but I got the license plate.”

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
 
Then there was the farmer who couldn't keep his hands off his wife.
So he fired them.

I was going out to the bar one winter night and just before i left, i told my wife to hurry up and put her coat on.
She was happy and said ''Oh, I'm so excited! You're finally taking me out with you to the bar!''
''No'' i said, ''I'm shutting off the heat until I get home.''

(Most women hate that joke, I don't know why..........)
 
My wife was complaining that I was acting too much like a flamingo. By golly, I had to put my foot down!
 
My wife is actually my best buddy. She even enthusiastically helped me to complete my classic car collection! We sat down and I told her what I wanted to get, and she enthusiastically informed me that we are getting no more cars. So, my collection is complete!!
 
I was hiking once with my girlfriend. Suddenly a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs. Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me. One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfortable pace.
 
One morning at breakfast an old couple was reminiscing about their love life. The husband said, remember we could just talk about having sex and start getting all hot?
The wife says , I'm starting to feel like that now.
The husband says, that's cause your Boob is hanging in your oat meal.
 
Had there been a mix up, my uncle would have been the 44th president of the United States. He was an undertaker in the army; a barrack embalmer
 
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.
 
I met Arnold Schwarzenegger once; he was eating a chocolate egg. I said to him, "I bet I know what your favorite holiday is!" He said, "You have to love Easter, baby."
 
RussellSullivan said:
I met Arnold Schwarzenegger once; he was eating a chocolate egg. I said to him, "I bet I know what your favorite holiday is!" He said, "You have to love Easter, baby."
Click to expand...

RussellSullivan said:
Had there been a mix up, my uncle would have been the 44th president of the United States. He was an undertaker in the army; a barrack embalmer
Click to expand...

RussellSullivan said:
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.
Click to expand...

Best not quit your day job! :poke:
 
She's working harder than an ugly stripper.

Only time this worked was on the test bench.

Who painted this car, Ron Jeremy?

Told the wife to make dinner tonight, she made reservations...
 
You know Rodney Dangerfield is flat-out my hero and actually for more than just his comedy..
My wife and I agreed to have a cigarette every time after sex, I'm still on the same pack and she's up to two packs a day!!?...
 
Reminds me of the guy who bought his wife new golf shoes for Christmas. So she wouldn’t slip on the ice when she’s washing his car in the winter.
 
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