Some great one liners

[RussellSullivan]

You know Rodney Dangerfield is flat-out my hero and actually for more than just his comedy..
My wife and I agreed to have a cigarette every time after sex, I'm still on the same pack and she's up to two packs a day!!?...

I know my wife cheats on me. Every time I come home the parrot says "Quick, out the window!"

 

[Mark Wainwright]

Don't bother buying your wife a watch for Xmas she already has a clock on her stove

 

[Mark Wainwright]

My daughter was really nervous about taking her driving exam. She's never been in the front seat before. (Rodney Dangerfield)

 

[Dartnut]

No matter how you shake or dance, the last drop always falls in your pants.

 

[RAT ROD AL]

 

[66fyssh]

Life is like a roll of toilet paper...

The closer you get to the end, the faster if goes?

 

[RAT ROD AL]

Life is like a roll of toilet paper...

The closer you get to the end, the faster if goes?

Man That ain't no **** !

 

[RussellSullivan]

I got in touch with my inner self today. That's what I get for buying cheap toilet paper

 

[Dartnut]

For all the good that suppositories do, you might as well just shove them up your ***.

 

[retroron]

You can always spot my ex wife in crowd, she's the one kick starting her broom with her left foot.

 

[Mark Wainwright]

Cows may come and cows may go but the bull stays around forever.

 

[SSVDP]

From Al Bundt:
Why buy milk when you have a cow at home

 

[Minercar]

This sign is at a local supply store where I can find about any fastener I need.

Wives, when your husband says he'll fix it, he will fix it. There is no need to remind him about it every six months.

 

[RAT ROD AL]

2 Lady friends having lunch. One says to the other, One night stands are like snow storms !
What do you mean ?
Well you never know how many inches your gonna get or how long it will last !

 

[RedFish]

Little dog limped into the saloon and said, " I'm looking for the man that shot my paw ".

 

[Mark Wainwright]

A blonde and a brunette were talking and the brunette said "My husband came home last night with some beautiful flowers. I spent all night on my back with my legs open".
The blonde says "Don't you have a vase?"

 

[Duggie]

Old thread but I just got here.

My wife is a terrible house keeper. Every time I take a piss in the sink, it's full of dirty dishes.

 

[Mark Wainwright]

Old thread but I just got here.

My wife is a terrible house keeper. Every time I take a piss in the sink, it's full of dirty dishes.

My dad used to say that all the time. Thx for the memory.

 

[Professor Fate]

My Dad taught me to swim when I was a baby by throwing me into the lake. My only problem was getting untied and out of the bag...

(W.C. Fields) Women are like elephants: They're fun to look at, but you wouldn't want to own one.

My ex is really hard on cars- every time I see her, my brakes fail and the throttle sticks wide open.

When I die, I want to go like my Grandpa- peacefully, in his sleep. Not screaming like the passengers in his car.

And my all time classic favorite:
I miss my ex- but my aim IS improving.

 

[Dartnut]

I call my wife an angel.
She's always up in the air harping over something..........

 

[diymirage]

I call my wife an angel.
She's always up in the air harping over something..........

just remember, Satan is an angel too