Daughter wants to move in with her mom

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straightlinespeed

straightlinespeed

Sometimes I pretend to be normal
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Hi guys,

So I have a 13 year old daughter, who lives 50/50 with me and her mom. Neither of us owe each other anything as for child support. She has told me a couple times in the past year that she wants to move in with her mom. I believe that her mom is behind a lot of this stuff and pushing her. Also this stuff usually only comes up when my daughter gets in trouble at my house and she is mad at me. The next thing you know I get a call from my ex asking me to let her come live with her because its obvious that we cant get along.

This past week my ex threatened to take me to court and get full custody of her if I don't let her come live with her. Well in MN at the age of 12 a child can make the decision which parent she wants to live with. Im sure the courts would of course have to listen to each side, and make that decision.

I don't want my daughter to resent me if I don't let her go, but at the same time it is not a wise decision. I don't know how many times in the last year my ex has called me up complaining about how she cant handle my daughter etc... She also lives in the small *** apt., which is just a mess inside. Looks like a hurricane went thru it, because she never cleans. She also has not idea how to budget money, has multiple collection companies after her has nothing for her name. She is also dating a guy that lives with her that has 5 kids with 4 different woman. Ive also seen on a couple of occasions where she treats those kids better than her own.

Meanwhile on my side. Im getting married in a couple months, own a house and all my cars, toys, and can budget money very well, just to start. Now no Im not the perfect dad, but really who is? Am I strict yes I am. I try to raise my daughter like I was raised with respect for others and how to get ready for your life. In regards to school work, I check her assignment daily, stay in touch with her teachers and make sure to schedule all before or after school events. Her mom doesn't care about any of that, and if she misses assignment's she don't make her turn them in.

My ex chooses to let my daughter do what ever she wants, with no consequences. If she gets money for a holiday her mom will let her spend it all. I will make her put at least half into a account and make her save the rest for something she really wants. My ex also claims she wants nothing from me for support or assistance to help her. I don't believe this for a second. She has always been money hungry.

Like I said there is so much to this its hard to type it all out, and Im sorry if its scattered about. I have a lot on my mind and confused, Im torn if I should let her go live with her mom, just to prove to her that things are not all they are cracked up to be. Curious as to your guys opinions and any suggestions
 
Probably not a lot you can do if she wants to move in with your ex. Doesn't sound like it would take long before she realizes she made a mistake and wants to come home.Might think about taking your ex to court and getting custody. My ex threatened me the same way, then one day i said fine I'll get the ball rolling. that shut her up real quick. Just got to remember its all about whats best for the child.
 
You need to talk with a professional. IMO we can tell you about Mopars but your daughter is way more important. What she sees and learns now molds her for tomorrow. Find a good counsler and talk. Never stop talking to her. hope all works out well for both of you. Stay the course you are the father.
 
From what you said in your post, it's obvious yours is the better environment for your daughter to be raised in. I had full custody of my two kids (7 and 2 at the time of my divorce) and my ex wasn't interested in having them at the time because she was too busy trying to re-capture what she thought she'd missed by getting married young (she was 19, I was 20 - we were married over 6 years before our oldest was born).
If I were in your shoes I would certainly be concerned about your daughter living in that situation, particularly because of the live-in boyfriend with kids spread out across the general population.
My first suggestion would be to consult a family-law lawyer to see what your options are to protect your daughter from your ex's lifestyle.
Another thing you might consider is letting your daughter spend the upcoming Christmas holiday break from school with her mom just to see what living there might be like. A couple of weeks might be all it takes. Compared to an occasional weekend, several weeks might be unbearable to either one.
Your daughter might also be feeling threatened by your upcoming marriage. Dads and daughters have a special bond. How has she bonded with your fiancé? Also, does your fiancé have any kids? What does the prospect of a blended family look like to your daughter? Kids are outstanding observers of behavior. While with your ex in the past, your daughter may have noticed how your ex's boyfriend's kids are sometimes treated better by your ex. It's possible she could be very afraid of losing your attention and part of your relationship with her after you get married. Counseling may help with this. Something to think about...
 
You obviously care about your daughter. You are an intelligent person and the mother is not. The only reason your daughter wants to live with the mother is so she doesn't have to do what she thinks is a waste of time, (school, studying, working at a savings account, earning respect from mentors, and many more). She is lazy like every other 13 year old without direction. She is unaware of life's hardships. She sees her mother living the "I don't give a ****" lifestyle and wants the same because its easy. You are not going to change her mind.
This is all normal 13 year old brains at work. You have 2 choices, first, you can let her go and find out the hard way, or, you can file for full custody before she does. What could help your cause, and your daughters cause, if a phone call to child family protection services about the wife's current parenting procedures and have them do an inspection of her life, for the protection of ALL the children. Your daughter will most likely fight you on staying with you and it will be hard for both of you but I know for sure that she will thank you some day for saving her. Stop worrying about her hating you now, once the mother's life crashes, and it will, your daughter, hopefully will see who was right.
 
You need to speak with a pro. Not a bunch of gear heads. As with everything our experiences and situations are all a little different. What works for some doesn't work for others, and can make matters even worse.

If things are as you say they are, going to court might not be a bad idea. Your situation seems to be a lot better than your ex-wife's situation, and judges tend to take that into consideration.

Get some professional counseling first, though.
 
ocdart said:
My first suggestion would be to consult a family-law lawyer to see what your options are to protect your daughter from your ex's lifestyle.

Your daughter might also be feeling threatened by your upcoming marriage. Dads and daughters have a special bond. How has she bonded with your fiancé? Also, does your fiancé have any kids? What does the prospect of a blended family look like to your daughter? Kids are outstanding observers of behavior. It's possible she could be very afraid of losing your attention and part of your relationship with her after you get married. Counseling may help with this. Something to think about...
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I do have a lawyer that I worked with on my divorce. He is a damn good one also! Although, Im hesitant to call him because last time the ex threatened something I contacted him and it cost me $500. Only for the ex not to go thru with her word.

As for the other questions. Yes my daughter mentioned she thinks my fiancé is taking time away from her. Which I cant see, but there must be something. This is something I for sure have to talk to my daughter about. My daughter and my fiancé do click very well and I will walk in the house catching those two giggling like girls do having a good time. She does not have any kids and to tell you the truth kinda awkward with kids. Its just not natural for her but she does try to bond with my daughter. Im not opposed to counseling if it helps her.

69MOPE said:
You have 2 choices, first, you can let her go and find out the hard way, or, you can file for full custody before she does. What could help your cause, and your daughters cause, if a phone call to child family protection services about the wife's current parenting procedures and have them do an inspection of her life, for the protection of ALL the children. Your daughter will most likely fight you on staying with you and it will be hard for both of you but I know for sure that she will thank you some day for saving her. Stop worrying about her hating you now, once the mother's life crashes, and it will, your daughter, hopefully will see who was right.
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I could have had the full custody when we got divorced, but I felt it best not to, for my daughters sake. I do think its important to have both parents in a childs life, I just wish my ex could think more clearly and see the same thing instead of dollar signs or what not.

I have debated about doing a trial run, but I really think its best that she stays at both houses so I can help raise her and be in her life!I have her this weekend, and even though we are heading out of town to gmas house. Im going to find the time to talk to her and let her know that I want her around, that she is important to me and for me to be a part of her life.

I can tell you that the past 6 months at least she has been a emotional rollercoaster with hormones and what not so I don't know if that has anything to do with it or not?
 
Hey man, you and I should get together for a beer and a chat. I've been through this exactly, probably with an even worse scenario and am now on the other side of all that as my daughter is now almost 23 and her and I have a great relationship, even though we both went through some really crappy stuff, mostly related to her mother.

Just lemme know, good weather for a short cruise this weekend and I'd be happy to talk if it might help ya. Did I mention Beer???
 
Helluva spot you are in.
Your Daughter will hate you for doing what you know is best or turn into her Mother if you don't.
Good luck.
 
Just be prepared to be in the wrong no matter what you do...
 
MobileCustoms said:
Hey man, you and I should get together for a beer and a chat. I've been through this exactly, probably with an even worse scenario and am now on the other side of all that as my daughter is now almost 23 and her and I have a great relationship, even though we both went through some really crappy stuff, mostly related to her mother.

Just lemme know, good weather for a short cruise this weekend and I'd be happy to talk if it might help ya. Did I mention Beer???
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Thanks buddy! It would be nice to get someones opinion who has delt with this. I would take you up on this but I'm out of town for a wedding. Next weekend is looking good if that works for you.

Thank you everyone for the kind words and input. It does help even though your all a bunch of Motörhead's! Lol
 
Got my daughter when she was 4, her mom always said she would hate me when she got older. As a teen she wanted to go live with her mom, well same thing every time she got in trouble.

Well I don't know if I did her good or not. Something in the genes, she hadn't talked to her mom for years now, but also not talking to me. She is 32 and so much like her mom. Gave her a good education and life experiences for a good life and she is throwing them all away.

So it might be best to let her go and hope for the best. If she finds out that moms isn't the place to be hope she wants to come back. Let her know the door is always open.

Talk to a family therapist kids will play both ends if they cannot get their way
 
Wildcat is right kids play both sides. I haven't talked to my son in years because of this game and my daughter is just starting to recognize what the so called greener pasture really was. A bunch of. Anyway I wish you well, it really is a no win situation when the kids are used as pawns. Sounds like you were doing what was in the best interest of your daughter. One day she may recognize this. Don't forget that you have a life as well.
 
Frankie said:
You need to speak with a pro. Not a bunch of gear heads. As with everything our experiences and situations are all a little different. What works for some doesn't work for others, and can make matters even worse. If things are as you say they are, going to court might not be a bad idea. Your situation seems to be a lot better than your ex-wife's situation, and judges tend to take that into consideration. Get some professional counseling first, though.
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You asked for GOOD advice and here it is. ^^^^^^

Don't waste it.
 
It just sucks when parents, even divorced, are not united for their kid's sake. Makes it very hard to be the good parent when the other one is more concerned with being a friend to a teenaged kid. i really feel for ya and understand. Next weekend, man, let's get together and shoot the sh*t! You will get through this, probably with some gray hairs to show for it but your kid will ultimately know who was the good parent and role model when it all shakes out. Stick to your guns but also make sure no matter what that she always knows you are there for her, any time, even if she chooses to go stay at her mom's place and it breaks your heart. She will appreciate you in the end for being consistent and reliable and someone she can look up to.
 
My niece got custody of the kids. When one got older she didn't like staying with her mom anymore and wanted to stay with the dad, same reasons your daughter wants to move, that parent lets them get away with everyone. Well, turns out the grass isn't only greener on the other side. She came back, couple years later another daughter wanted to do the same thing. Live with dad, the previous one said it's a bad idea, then talked about the crap that happened. She didn't listen, found out it was worse than what was said. My niece, what did she do? She supported, emotionally, both of them, but said you can't be playing one parent against the other, and can't just come back in a couple of months. Now both kids are back with mom and realized it wasn't a good idea to be with dad. Will this work for you? Every situation is different, that's for you to decide whats best for your daughter. But it's a decision not to be made lightly.
 
Ramie, I feel for ya. Although each families trials and tribulations are unique, my experience was similar. Raised my 2 boys for the most part by myself. Did that since they were school age. Half n half since the day they were born. Your daughter is absolutely 100% normal. Although the boys were with/raised by me, I got next to nothing in child support. Took me a while to wisen up and take her to court. My oldest and I especially really started to butt heads...skipping school, breaking the rules etc. He tried pushing and pushing(in my opinion)to see how far he could go.Both boys actually moved out. Oldest one saw I wasnt going to compromise and moved in with his mom. That was about 7 years ago and has moved back in with me and Lori a few times since. Youngest came back and ended up finishing high school. Both have their grade 12's now. I see them most times when Im home for the weekend.
Their mom was the same, between me and my parents we kept the boys in sports and were always there to watch them play. Mom hardly ever. Mom has 4 kids with 3 different dads. Her other 2 kids dont even know who their fathers are. All the BS started once the boys love eggs started to turn fuzzy.

Your daughter has hormones going and that plays a part big time. Very impressionable at that age. That is the most important time to surround her with a proper structured environment. Do what you can to keep her with you and keep her involved in activities...dance, gymastics, hockey anything that may help her with an outlet.
This is just my experiences and like I said everyone's is unique. I love my boys with all my heart and wondered what if I would have compromised?? BUT both my boys are now in their 20's and realize the choices they made were I have no regrets at all. When they come for the weekend they tell me "this feels like home"/
Sorry for the babbling here, hoping that there are some similarities/experiences that may help??

All the best.
 
4spdragtop said:
Ramie, I feel for ya. Although each families trials and tribulations are unique, my experience was similar. Raised my 2 boys for the most part by myself. Did that since they were school age. Half n half since the day they were born. Your daughter is absolutely 100% normal. Although the boys were with/raised by me, I got next to nothing in child support. Took me a while to wisen up and take her to court. My oldest and I especially really started to butt heads...skipping school, breaking the rules etc. He tried pushing and pushing(in my opinion)to see how far he could go.Both boys actually moved out. Oldest one saw I wasnt going to compromise and moved in with his mom. That was about 7 years ago and has moved back in with me and Lori a few times since. Youngest came back and ended up finishing high school. Both have their grade 12's now. I see them most times when Im home for the weekend.
Their mom was the same, between me and my parents we kept the boys in sports and were always there to watch them play. Mom hardly ever. Mom has 4 kids with 3 different dads. Her other 2 kids dont even know who their fathers are. All the BS started once the boys love eggs started to turn fuzzy.

Your daughter has hormones going and that plays a part big time. Very impressionable at that age. That is the most important time to surround her with a proper structured environment. Do what you can to keep her with you and keep her involved in activities...dance, gymastics, hockey anything that may help her with an outlet.
This is just my experiences and like I said everyone's is unique. I love my boys with all my heart and wondered what if I would have compromised?? BUT both my boys are now in their 20's and realize the choices they made were I have no regrets at all. When they come for the weekend they tell me "this feels like home"/
Sorry for the babbling here, hoping that there are some similarities/experiences that may help??

All the best.
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If you`ve got proof of her mothers lifesyle,, don`t sound like a court in the land would let her live w/ her mother! and sounds like her shack job is putting her up to it, child support "will" follow!!!
 
cant help you much because I don't have any kids and single but looking at it from a teenage girl's point of view because it wasn't that long ago I was in those shoes:

Maybe try explaining to your daughter your concerns and give a reason why you think its not a good idea. I have adoptive parents who were strict but when they told me I couldn't go somewhere or do something....they gave a reason why.

As a kid its natural to rebel to a direct command that seems dumb at the time because you don't understand why. It feels like your parent(s) are just trying to oppress and control you and keep you from any fun times that your friends brag about which later when your older you realize were just BS anyway ....but as a teen its hard to see that.

If you can convey a very good reason behind your concerns you might get her to agree with you. When my adoptive parents told me not to go certain places or do certain things they took the time to give a detailed explanation behind their reasons and it made sense to me and I had no choice but to agree seeing the logic. There were times I wanted to rebel and do something anyway but I pretty much always backed out of rebel mode because it didn't make sense to push it knowing the dangers and consequences.

Communication might make her feel like you see her as a smart person and that might make her respond favorably because she will feel responsible to make better choices.
 
OK...I am a gear head as you guys put it but professionally I am a Therapist. I was a family therapist and have changed over to Addictions. But no matter here is what would happen if you were to come to my office. First I would be working with you to understand that what you see and want May not happen but hopefully it will be close to what you see as best. I would be working with her to allow her to gain trust in me. Right now she probably does not trust most adults. Then when we would all get together we would work on compromise. And Compromise does not mean you give in nor is it 50/50 all the time! I am sure you are a great dad your concern proves that. But as Rani says you need to think like a 13 year old. My job would be to help you understand her and her to understand you. She loves you I am sure, but right now she has no idea how to express that to you because love to her is towards other boys her age. Now here are a couple of "tools" for you to try. You are the adult and some of this will go against your natural feelings but you can be the one in control.

First allow her to see how important she is to you. When a situation comes up make a deal before hand....of no yelling arguing or anything until you both calm down. Then sit down with her and allow her to explain why she did/said what she did/said or you did what you did/said to allow her the situation to act that way.

She is finding her identity and individuality right now. You have to allow her without losing your mind. It is hard because you are looking at it from an intelligent mature mind.

Here is what a friend does. He has 3 daughters and every Saturday morning he takes one out on her "date with dad". They talk he listens. Also when they travel, each trip, one gets to choose the music. That way he and his wife get involved in their lives/music.

You like cars...what does she like? Spend time in her world.

Ask her advice on matters and go with her decisions. (On less important issues of course). Have you sat down and talked quietly with her about this? It sounds like she says this when angry. Talk her through seeing why she wants to leave. Help her see if it is because she wants to be free ask her how would that look to you. Throw out some scenarios...she has things you have taught her in there (head) but the little girl can't think through it. Help her and be willing to compromise. Good luck!

AND...this all takes time. You start allowing her to make decisions she is going to think you are up to something. Tell her you are. You want her to stay and you are willing to make changes to see that it happens.

She is wanting more control of herself. Allow that in the less important areas. The big thing is...Learn to listen to her and communicate.
 
that suck, I really feel for you

there are many side to this and all need careful consideration before make a decision

im really not sure what would be best, but kids need routine, rules and structure, especially at that age so having her live with one of you with one routine and one set of rules would me preferred

now, if your place is the best (cleanest, paid of, soon having a paternal figure (you) and a maternal figure (future wife)) you should document this in case it does go to court

look at it like buying a car for her, don't just look at the color but truly consider the pros and cons of each situation

personally (knowing nothing of this at all, but just spitballing here) I think your fiancée will be the deciding factor in her

right now she sees her as someone whom she has to compete with for your time
if you can find a way (if your fiancée can find a way) to change that point of view you have a chance of succeeding in raising her in a happy home between all three of you

but if she doesn't warm up to your fiancée then moving her in with you is almost certain failure, she will see everything your fiancée does as a personal insult from the colour of the couch to the flavor of the coffee creamer



one final thought to consider, inkjunkie said you are going to be the bad guy, no matter what.
so be it, we are talking about your daughter. she doesn't need you to be her friend, shes got a school full of those. she needs you to be a dad and you are the only one who has the privilege and that responsibility.
you have lived 20 more years then she has and that translates into 20 more years of experience and wisdom. sometimes as parents we have to make decision that our children don't understand (my 4 year old often responds to that by yelling: I don't like you anymore)
but in the end there is no one, NO ONE who cares more for that little girl then you do.

use that to make your decision.
 
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