Funny Veteran service stories!

[halifaxhops]

I was in the USN aboard the USS Shreveport at sea in the middle of the night this asshole LT was up looking for change of a dollar to get a coke out of the vending machine, well he asked me and I said I do he give me the bill and I give him back one of the older dollar coins. Wonder if he ever got the soda from the machine!

 

[TrailBeast]

I arrested my CO at gunpoint for trying to sneak in with a hooker in the middle of the night, does that count as funny?
He wasn't laughing.

 

[67Dart273]

"It's funny now" LOL

WE had the absolute "twin" of (from MASH) "Frank Burns". Only his name was Charlie. At the time, most of "my crew" and I had been through GCA RADAR C school in NAS Glynco GA, and several of us were now at NAS Miramar. So we were "Jr." At the time we were either E4 or E5 ETR's and "Charlie" was an E6 He thought he was Mr. Military

Anyhow we worked some guys on 'day shift' and some were 24 on/ 48 off duty. The day shift guys were obviously sposed to pick up their stuff, coffee cups, jacket, whatever, end of day. The "24 on" crew cleaned up and slept at the site overnight.

IF YOU DIDN'T PUT your coffee cup away, it might "hide." In the freezer. Charlie comes in, he's pissed, can't find his cup. Someone suggests "freezer" and Charlie is pissed, he throws his cup in the sink and BREAKS A CHIP OUT OF the porcelin coating.

SO FOR THE NEXT YEAR AND MORE you'd open an empty towel dispenser....."Charlie chipped the sink" in grease pen in the back.

You'd put a chair upside down on the desk to "swab the deck" and "flying chips" would appear on bottom of the chair.......bottom of the waste can...........inside the frosted lamp globes........everywhere.

SO WE GET A LOANER pickup truck as one of your two 63 Chivvys needed work, and Dave and I were "on" when they called told us our truck was done. WE REALIZED that THIS WAS THE LAST NIGHT we would have the loaner truck. So we got out the brass stencil kit and put "Flying Chips" in neat military letters where the license plate would have been.

SEVERAL MONTHS later Dave and I........stuck now "on duty" with Charlie, were trying to find a way "out." So we told "Charlie" we'd go get linen for the bedding, BUT CHARLIE WANTED TO GO ALONG. ****!!!!

So all three of us get into the Chev pu, Charlie driving, I'm on the window. We roll up behind a stop sign AND THERE IS THE LOANER TRUCK, WITH "FLYING CHIPS" on the rear bumper!!!! "What's that say.............????!!!?!??!?!" I glanced over at Charlie and the veins on the sides of his head looked like they would EXPLODE!!!

The 63 SS I had shortly before buying my first Mopar, the 69 383 RR One of our Chev pickkups in the photo, Phil Hedley---who I'd love to find and say high to.......had the 64? Lemans

An "illegal" photo of the then tower. We had nothing to do with this RADAR, it was FAA maintained search. Miramar was the regional center for all traffic in San Diego, civilian or military...................N yeah!!! That's a Dodge van!!

Our two QUAD FPN-36 RADAR, so called because they had 4 functions........short range taxi, longer range search, heightfinding, and their "main" function was "precision approach" or GCA

A posed photo, a very young "myself" E4 "adjusting" the RADAR

To my left you can see a large analog meter face, which was a VERY important part of accurately setting up the glideslope. Not long after I got to Miramar, this was replaced by a then "new technology" digital readout meter. That RADAR, by the way, was SITTING ON PALLETS when I arrived in the spring of '70. I and others got to help install it brand new.

 

[Jadaharabi]

Back in 1974 I was with the 3rd Armored at Fort Bliss Texas. I was in charge of a small arm shop 3rd Armored Cav. One day the captain inform me that me and my guys would be teaching all of the enlisted men how to use a 45 automatic and a 12 gauge shotguns used on guard Duty. So we're out at the range. My officer in charge after we fired the last group, tells us that we're going to use up all the extra ammunition. So he tells me when I give the command have the men fire at will. So I stood up as straight as I could an I say "Which one is Will sir".

 

[68gtxman]

My first ORI (Operational Readiness Inspection) found me on the Airfield Battle Damage Assessment Team. I was told that I was in charge of plotting the called in damage to the airfield (simulated by the HQ ORI team to totally destroy the airfield). My task was to make ready a 50 by 5,000 foot section of pavement, call out the coordinates to a paint striping team and Rapid Runway Repair teams (who were to repair bomb craters with backfill and AM-2 aluminum matting) which would allow the wing to launch our F-4s in less than 4 hours. Well, being the smart engineer that I was, I made a plexiglass template to scale that represented the 50 by 5,000 foot runway that we needed and after plotting the bomb damage on a base map, I moved the template around and magically found an undamaged section that was the right size. I called out the coordinates of the corners of that temporary runway to the painting crew and we launched our aircraft in under 30 minutes without having to repair any bomb craters! The RRR teams stood down and the wing won the ORI!

At the outbrief, the HQ ORI Inspectors made an after action recommendation to better destroy the ORI airbase so that the RRR teams got tested too.

Afterward, my CO dragged me up on stage in front of our CE squadron to thank me for outsmarting HQ, and the RRR teams gave me a standing ovation! (FYI, RRR is a back-breaking task!)

 

[68gtxman]

Another time, I was the officer in charge of the CE service call desk during a base exercise. The SRA that served with me begged me if he could go buy some beer to drink while were just sitting there waiting for what we thought was going to be a nothing but long night. Being the green bean that I was, I thought sure, why not (very poor judgment!). No one even knows that we were there. So after having a couple of beers, who pulls up and walks in? The wing commander, the base commander and my squadron commander is who! I had enough warning to hide the beer cans, but I was extremely flustered about being caught drinking on duty. Well, the wing commander walks directly to me and barks “what would you do if you just discovered that a hurricane was bearing down on the base?” Well, I had no training whatsoever in those matters at all. This was my first exercise ever and I had only been on duty for just a few weeks. I said to myself, “be cool! The military has checklists for everything you moron, so look for one - don’t just stand there looking like an idiot!” I saw my squadron CC staring at me and he started to visibly sweat. I thought, oh ****, this is gonna be an epic fail. But still trying to remain calm in appearance, I just grabbed the first 3-ring binder on the desk in front of me and flipped it open. Thank God it first opened on the “Hurricane Checklist” and I read the first action item on it to the wing king. He was supremely impressed and they exited immediately (to my squadron CC’s great relief). I still thought I was busted for the beer, but the next day when I was called in to the commander’s office, he shook my hand for saving the day and he admitted that he knew that I hadn’t been trained yet. I never drank on duty again!!!

 

[66fyssh]

I was working in the Planning and Training office at the 2161st Communications Squadron in support of the Ground Launched Cruise Missile System in England.

Our main mission was setting up a Communications Relay (K5 Blazer and M101 trailer set up with comm equipment) in the field to relay VHF/UHF communications from the base to the missile flights (automatic and encrypted). When we trained new people, we took two Comm Relays (each with 2 people) out to the field to show them how to set up field operations. Me and one other trainer had a "base camp" set up in the valley between the hills where the relays were setup (Usually just an empty K5 Blazer). One person had to be awake at all times.

So...about 0300 (that's 3:00am for civvies) we don our night vision goggles and head up a hill to a relay. The relays were concealed by camo netting. As I got close I crawled up to a relay, pulled up the netting, slide underneath, stood up and walked around the corner of the trailer. About that time, the trainee heard me and walked toward me. When he looked up I yelled, Boo!!!!

The guy about came out of his boots!!!!! I felt so bad I let him have a cigarette right there!!

Here's a picture of a trainee cooking with his spices in a Comm Relay.

 

[68gtxman]

You tell one story and more just come popping up.

I was tagged at quitting time on a Friday once to grab a team of enlisted men and erect 3 GP medium tents for the Officers Wives Club Bazaar that was to be held the next day. I grabbed 10 men and we loaded the tents onto the truck and it just started raining. Now the grumbling GIs, who just wanted to leave and start their weekend fun, started to vociferously complain as the skies opened up and poured onto us. We got to the the bazaar site and we were to meet the wing commander’s wife there so she could tell us where to set up the tents. I waited in the rain with the men for about ten minutes when a wise Chief MSGT said to me, well sir are you going to make a command decision or are you going to make us all get soaked while we wait for this lady to show up? I took control and directed the men to set up the tents where I thought were good spots. Just as we finished, the wing commander’s wife finally showed up. She walked the site with me and started bitching and moaning that the spots I picked for the tents were all wrong and all of them needed to be moved. I turned and looked her square in the eye and said “well ma’am, if you’d been here on time you’d have the tents where you wanted them, but as it is, it’s good enough where they are now. If you want them moved now, then you’d better get the other wives in your club together and do it yourselves!” I turned the the Chief MSGT and said “load ‘em up and move out!” (Which they immediately did.). They even started clapping on the way back to the main base.

Well on Monday morning, my squadron commander comes to me (this in itself is an unusual action for him) and says “report immediately to the wing commander’s office!” I immediately drove over to wing HQ and reported with a salute to him in his office. He immediately jumped up from behind his desk and lifted his arm to me (I thought he was actually going to hit me). But instead he opened his hand and said “Put her there Smitty! You are the first man to ever stand up to my wife, including me, and I just wanted to shake your hand!” True story.

 

[66fyssh]

Another one....speaking of Inspections.

We prepared for nearly two years for an Inspector General (IG) inspection when I was a recruiting district supervisor. Day One of the inspection finally arrived and I was instructed by an inspector to meet him at the Bristol, CT recruiting office to start inspecting my district. In the recruiting office was the recruiter's desk, a couple of smallish chairs and a sofa directly across the from the recruiter's desk so that the recruiter could talk to whoever was sitting on the couch.

So the recruiter was sitting at his desk, the inspector was in one of the smallish chairs facing the recruiter, and I was on couch facing my recruiter and looking at the back of the inspector.

All was going well when about 30 minutes into the inspection the inspector tells the recruiter "Show me your Advertising and Promotions binder." The recruiter replies with "I'll show it to you, but there's not much in it" To which I immediately did the "cut my throat" sign and silently mouthed "Noooooooooooo". The inspector looked it over and the VERY good recruiter talked his way out it.

That morning was September 11th, 2001. Yep, about 30 minutes later the Navy recruiter called us over to see that a plane had hit the World Trade Center (they had cable TV). About an hour later the inspection was canceled and we were told to report home. Funny story, then tragic. A day I'll never forget.

 

[67Dart273]

One night "on duty" my partner went up to the tower to do some "PM" (preventative maintenance) and I went out to the trailer (photo above). When I came out it was pitch black dark, no field lighting at all. Even if the tower closed the field, they normally left the taxi lights on.

I found out later this jock had clipped a taxi light and blew one/ some breakers. Evidently the tower was being cautious, and closed the field.....it was late, no night ops I guess.

So I leave the tower, and am trying to navigate the dark field with the useless deep orange (pumpkin) headlights. I'm crossing across the runways on the taxiway, and I hear "this" on the radio:

Tower calls one of ground units and says "location of the dark horse?" (I'm thinking WTF is a dark horse??)

"We are not sure we think he's on the high speed taxiway at about Queen 6"

I'm thinking "I'M AT QUEEN SIX AND I'M APPROACHING THE HIGH SPEED TAXIWAY!!!"

About that time I see up above at what SEEMS just feet away!!!! A strobe flash lighting up a pilot in a cockpit!!!

The jock was roving around the damn DARK FIELD with NO NAV LIGHTS on the airplane!!! Meanwhile I'm driving towards the shop with the pumpkin headlights AND CAN'T SEE A DAMN THING!!!!

Asked one of the chiefs next morning he says if it doesn't come up better "leave a dead dog lie!!"

 

[Abodybomber]

I arrested my CO at gunpoint for trying to sneak in with a hooker in the middle of the night, does that count as funny?
He wasn't laughing.

I didn't know ,you were in the service.. I read your statement ,thoughts of Bill Murray in "Stripes"...SORRY...

 

[pishta]

Im part of a "late deployment team' off an LHA (landing helo assault, a helicopter carrier) that flew us into a dark LZ about 25 'clicks' (kilometers) inland from the beach in Thailand at about 2100 in November. Dark as hell, no nav lights, night vision goggles only for the pilots. Us 8 Marines are in the back of the dimly red lit CH46 and the ramp is down so all we see is an occasional light on the ground as we are getting pitched around as these nuts are flying through this narrow valley. Our unit is deployed somewhere, trouble is I don't know where, we are supposed to be inserted right on top of them. So we finally land, we get out and form a 360 around the chopper and he takes off and in about a minute, nothing but silence. Helo gone, pitch black and we are alone with no comm. Turns out these guys dropped us at the wrong rice paddy LZ and we are miles from anything or anyone. So after about 15 minutes, we form up and since Im the ranking E3 (!) I tell the guys we need to make our way back to the beach as that's the only point i know that may have some people. So we start humpin toward the beach which turned out to be down the valley we flew up. No roads, just some cart paths and animal routes. We make it in about 4 hours as we are very light (basically our packs 2 changes of clothes, Kevlar helmet, 'deuce' gear, 1 MRE, and our M-16s. We come across an Marine M60 tank and I make ourselves known to the guy on watch and ask him to raise my unit on the radio to tell us WTH they are. Turns out they are 25 clicks up the beach and we are told to stand fast and catch a passing northbound US '6 by' on the beach road in the morning. Well, Friday night on a beach in Thailand is like any other beach on a Friday night, its hopping! I ask the watch if we can stow our weapons in his tank if we can relieve him in 2 hours. He says sure so we unload, grab our MRE's and walk about 500 m to this bonfire we see and it ends up being some sort of huge family party. All the locals know we are there so they invite us to hang out and we end up trading our MRE's for hot food, cold beer and the smokers even got some 'local' smokes that turned out to be laced with some good ****. Us non smokers got hammered, the smokers got lit, and we all caught the first '6 by' that we flagged down in the morning. We made it back to our unit, my CO was pissed we got dropped in the middle of no where and were MIA for 12 hours but was very happy that I got everyone back. I told him about the funny cigarettes we may have been exposed to and he "admired my integrity" for telling him and we all ended up on the same working party back on ship, missing the standard post op piss test. I guess it wouldnt look good for anyone if I had to tell the whole story to some higher brass than my CO. I think one of my guys even got a BJ on the beach that night! I liked Thailand.....

 

[gunbunny]

One of the funniest things I saw!
Probably the most incompetent thing too.
We got this new butter bar 2LT fresh out of OCS and he knew everything.
We were on a 9mm range. This new 2LT is supposed to be the safety officer.
He stood in front of the whole battery, gave us a class on the proper firing technique of the M9 Beretta. Firing hand on grip, non firing hand cupping the magazine. Blah blah blah... We've done this before.
We go do our thing, my guys and me were sitting around waiting for the rest of the battery to finish.
I look up and see the medic running down the range. Of course we jump up and follow.
The same 2LT was holding his hand blood everywhere.
The jackass had just went and done what he told everyone not to do. The slide came back and grabbed the skin between the thumb and forefinger and took it right off.
2 months later, same 2LT, we were on an FTX, moving from one firing point to the next. We get a call on the radio for a hip shoot.
A hip shoot is an emergency Artillery fire mission. We basically shoot an azimuth and fire! Here's the thing, Artillery doesn't use the regular military lensatic compass, they use a M2 transit compass. 6400 mils is more accurate than 360 degrees.
Anyway, this 2LT has jumped out of his Humvee, is pointing to the lead howitzer with his compass in hand. He shoots the azimuth, the gun fires the round and we go back on our way.
We're at the new firing point and slew of MP's and SUV's come flying up the road. The next thing we hear over the radios was "gun sections, rear the piece, face away the piece, fall in!" For you non Artillery guys, that's the equivalent to "Oh ****! We done f@#&ed up! Bad!"
The group walks down to the gun that fired the hip shoot, they walk back up. There's a big pow-wow and the rumors are flying! It would seem that during the hip shoot, they sent a round 180 degrees the opposite direction. Off post!
No one was hurt, the round landed in a field, and tore a bunch of corn and trees up. I know, because we were out there for days cleaning that mess up.
The 2LT read the compass backwards and caused the whole thing.
The 2LT disappeared, and we were shut down by FORSCOM until everyone is re-certified safety.
I don't think 2LT went to jail, but no one wanted him around anymore.

 

[dart4forte]

My platoon, Recon, 2/6 Infantry was tasked with running the M60 MG range. Don't know how it's done now but back then NCOs conducted training to include running ranges. Been there, done that. Anyway we had a real hard charging 1LT who always wanted to be involved to the point of totally getting in the way. Several of us squad leaders decided we had had enough. the LT came down into the CP and kept bugging us for things he could do to prep the range. So, several of us sent him on a mission which only an officer in his grade could do and that was to secure 100 meters of firing line from the battalion S4.

Well, the battalion S4 must of had several other requests and being out of stock sent him to the brigade S4. We didn't see the LT until we opened the range up and began qualifying soldiers. Company commander came by and asked us if we were able to get enough firing line to run the range. He had a slight smirk on his face.

 

[halifaxhops]

We had to have a full day of sexual harassment training and ethics training also so to be sensitive about others ethnic backgrounds. Well the EEO officer that ran it was Vietnamese in race. I made a comment about a issue and his answer was (MSGT when your white your white) Funny as hell there went all the death by powerpoint!

 

[ocdart]

...and somehow or other we managed to win both WWI and WWII!