Need advice from Step Fathers/Fathers please

-
Thanks again for the words of advice everyone. They are very helpful. :)
 
Do not even consider marrying her, unless she's a rich heiress. A man getting married is a bit like playing Russian Roulette with three in the cylinder.
 
I know it "feels right," but make sure this new lady is the wonderful girl you think she is. You would not be the first honorable man whose life was made hell by an unstable woman. A man's judgment can sometimes be clouded when he has the chance to be the hero. There are many lives at stake here. A person's past can often tell us a lot about them.

On a lighter note, I have a phobia about "alternate spellings" of names...Tabatha/Tabitha. That was a red flag to me lol! But that's just a silly phobia of mine. I hope you really have found the wonderful girl and the happy family of your dreams.
 
... And then I read the comments on this page ^^^^

Dude, don't let people boil you in a cauldron over your choices. I'm in the same position that you are in and I'm well aware that people LEARN from mistakes made in their past.

In my experience and in my humble opinion, it actually strengthens a relationship, because you know what not to do, as well as her. As long as you back off of assumptions (this is the root of miscommunication) and talk about any problems that may arise, you two will be in great shape, and the more you develop your relationship with the 2 and 4 year old you've got around, the better your relationship will develop with her, as well.

My step son had the same issues with attachment. His biological dad is an alcoholic and has been sketchy at best. When they cling to you, they are looking for affirmation and I can imagine that as a kid who didn't have his dad around, it can even make it more dramatic.

Here is my advice to you; be inclusive with them. Show them what you are doing, when you work on your car, find things that you have in common, even if it's just a cartoon you like and do something with them for at least a half an hour, each day. The more you can, the better. Hugs and kisses are a good thing, but what I try to do is spend most of the time that I give him attention with, to be sure that it serves a focus/ function, like working on something together, have him help with hardware, give him a part to play/ work on, playing a game or any activity I feel up to.

This will help develop your common interests, but most importantly, it will help with making the kid feel loved and welcome in your life, which will give them more confidence and the clingy behavior will slowly improve.

If you've got to say no to them, just explain why and give them something positive to look to. "No, you can't sit on my lap right now." just gives them a wall and they don't have the experience with logic that we do, yet. "No, not right now, lets do this instead, but I'd love to watch a show with you later." gives them a way to let go of what they want, without feeling a loss. Eventually, you won't need as many bargaining pieces like that, because they will understand that you aren't pushing them away, out of your life, but rather offering an alternative.

Another thing you can do is tickle them.
 
And to any of the marriage comments, we live in a modern world with a lot of ways to live.

Family is what you make it, just like your home. Don't ever forget that. Its your choice.

I'm never going to marry Amy, because we share the same belief that we don't need it. Its not a bad thing, by any means, its just not for us, but that doesn't mean that we aren't committed. We have the same interests in our business that we run together, our hobbies and our goals and honestly, that's what really counts, no matter how you title your relationship boy/girl friend or husband/ wife. Marriage won't keep you together by itself, any more than being someone's boy/ girl friend. You can marry a perfect stranger in a drive-thru Vegas chapel, these days. Having willpower to embrace the good in each other and offer solutions when problems arise, will.
 
DaveBonds said:
because we share the same belief that we don't need it. Its not a bad thing,
Click to expand...

That depends on a lot of things. That same statement while true for Amy and you, cannot be used as a blanket statement for everyone. "Living in a modern world" as you put it, is a LOT of what's WRONG with the world today. Like it, or not.
 
Yeah, it's not for everyone. I know people who have been married 52 years and are fantastic people, while on the other end of the spectrum, I know people who are married and cheat on each other.

My last relationship lasted a month shy of 11 years. We weren't married. I knew her for 13 years and she let alcohol consume everything.

I also know people who aren't in monogamous relationships and are perfectly happy with that. And while that idea in itself is difficult even for me to understand on a functional level, I suppose as long as everyone involved is happy and its not dysfunctional to them, its not for me, but it works for them.

There are a lot of things in the modern world that suck, but families consist of very different lineage. Grandparents raising children with no direct parents for different reasons, abusive or military casualty, life long friends who live together, with or without kids, etc.

My point was that there is a lot of variety today, more than ever, so titles have become less important, but the focus of treating each other with respect will always be there.
 
There's a lot of variety today because there are more deviants. Simple as that.
 
I suspect the situation you have described is making the boy extra insecure if his "real" father has abandoned them and he knows it. Children know more than we give the credit for. He is clingy.
I skimmed and I think Rusty hit it well. You must marry her to make a commitment. Then and only then will you be able to claim fatherhood. Then you and her must have the understanding the discipline will occur on your level. Mark my words in a few years you will be stupid to him. You will not have any wisdom until the young man reaches about 21.
Then if you have done your job, you will be a pretty smart fellow to him.
Hopefully his friend as well.
 
Am a "step dad", by name only, 2 of her kids have never spoken a word to me as they fill I am the reason Ernie left....truth of the matter is I had nothing to do with that but....See some folks saying father or friend....I say both are important, with more weight on the father part of it. But being a friend to a child is not a bad thing either....there is going to be some things that require both.

One thing life has taught me is view things form a "is what you are getting worth what you are getting" view point. Not saying this is the case with your GF/kids but what if you are "rescuing" them in a way? Will you be able to stand the head/heart ache IF things don't work out?
 
Well I did not see one thing on here and I will give you this. Avoiding saying NO in the first place with him. Avoid making something a command when a request or an option will work. See if you say you must get down and walk on your own then you are stuck with enforcing your command so he understands boundaries. So only make it a command when you have to. He will learn the difference. He doesn't like NO from you because you are new and different and he enjoys you.
So make sure you are not going off in the other direction just to show him who is boss or to set boundaries. Say no when it has to be no, yes when it can be yes, then share the rest of the times with them. Life is too precious to spend it making rules and saying no.
 
70greendart said:
Well I did not see one thing on here and I will give you this. Avoiding saying NO in the first place with him. Avoid making something a command when a request or an option will work. See if you say you must get down and walk on your own then you are stuck with enforcing your command so he understands boundaries. So only make it a command when you have to. He will learn the difference. He doesn't like NO from you because you are new and different and he enjoys you.
So make sure you are not going off in the other direction just to show him who is boss or to set boundaries. Say no when it has to be no, yes when it can be yes, then share the rest of the times with them. Life is too precious to spend it making rules and saying no.
Click to expand...

Sorry, I must disagree. Sounds like Dr Spocks theory. He later realized his mistake and retracted most of his earlier advise. His concept reared a generation of seriously flawed people. Saying no is not being negative, certainly the parent should try to make sure the child understands the logic and reason why " no" is sometimes just how it is. No offense 70greendart. I have raised my own kids, and been involved with my many nieces and nephews, and I've taken this topic very serious. Teaching kids that "no " is occasionally the answer, trains them for their adult life. Kids NEED to hear "no" when appropriate to train them properly. Of course I agree that it should be done in a kind way. Life is too precious to spend it dealing with spoiled rotten kids that become rebellious teens and dysfunctional adults because they didn't get the memo that sometimes the answer is just "no".
 
RustyRatRod said:
There's a lot of variety today because there are more deviants. Simple as that.
Click to expand...

So, are you saying that the variety is blanketed by deviation? That would mean that parents don't leave children to alternative families and lifestyles for any reason, beyond control. Car accidents, terminal illness, murder, war casualty, job related fatal accidents, mothers dying by childbirth, adopting children out of cultures or homes that can't afford to support the kids, loss of jobs, loss of homes, relocating to out of state for countless reasons, including, but not limited to work, military, etc...

You can't blanket everything with deviation as a cause.

And whether the life that children live is by their family's choice, or bestowed, it doesn't matter, because in reality, all you have is variety. Variety has always been there. We live in one culture. There are hundreds of cultures and ways of life around the entire world, each family within having their own way of life, their own home rules and practices, etc.

This has gone on for as long as we can document and through each generation, let alone century, we see more variety, documented throughout history.

I don't see the point in going backwards. I think its perfectly acceptable to acknowledge different ways of life, because everyone has always been different.

I've seen plenty of marriages get canned (google searching statistics tell it better than I can) and I've seen plenty that work. It is as viable, these days, a being someone's boyfriend or girlfriend. Marriage works, just like any other form of commitment, but you need commitment for marriage to work. Its not the other way around, so I know where my roots are.
 
DaveBonds said:
So, are you saying that the variety is blanketed by deviation? That would mean that parents don't leave children to alternative families and lifestyles for any reason, beyond control. Car accidents, terminal illness, murder, war casualty, job related fatal accidents, mothers dying by childbirth, adopting children out of cultures or homes that can't afford to support the kids, loss of jobs, loss of homes, relocating to out of state for countless reasons, including, but not limited to work, military, etc...

You can't blanket everything with deviation as a cause.

And whether the life that children live is by their family's choice, or bestowed, it doesn't matter, because in reality, all you have is variety. Variety has always been there. We live in one culture. There are hundreds of cultures and ways of life around the entire world, each family within having their own way of life, their own home rules and practices, etc.

This has gone on for as long as we can document and through each generation, let alone century, we see more variety, documented throughout history.

I don't see the point in going backwards. I think its perfectly acceptable to acknowledge different ways of life, because everyone has always been different.

I've seen plenty of marriages get canned (google searching statistics tell it better than I can) and I've seen plenty that work. It is as viable, these days, a being someone's boyfriend or girlfriend. Marriage works, just like any other form of commitment, but you need commitment for marriage to work. Its not the other way around, so I know where my roots are.
Click to expand...
Sorry, did not understand some of this, bit fuzzy today....but the text I changed I completely agree with. My first marriage failed largely because we were not committed to each other....lot more to it but that was a large part of it. She was to busy "making up for lost time" and I was to busy trying to figure out ways to control her. We had 0 commitment towards each other. Have always wondered about how some folks do nothing but talk sh*t about marriage....can't help but wonder if they have some sort of commitment issues....
 
I am not blanketing anything. I am saying there are more opinions than just yours.



DaveBonds said:
So, are you saying that the variety is blanketed by deviation? That would mean that parents don't leave children to alternative families and lifestyles for any reason, beyond control. Car accidents, terminal illness, murder, war casualty, job related fatal accidents, mothers dying by childbirth, adopting children out of cultures or homes that can't afford to support the kids, loss of jobs, loss of homes, relocating to out of state for countless reasons, including, but not limited to work, military, etc...

You can't blanket everything with deviation as a cause.

And whether the life that children live is by their family's choice, or bestowed, it doesn't matter, because in reality, all you have is variety. Variety has always been there. We live in one culture. There are hundreds of cultures and ways of life around the entire world, each family within having their own way of life, their own home rules and practices, etc.

This has gone on for as long as we can document and through each generation, let alone century, we see more variety, documented throughout history.

I don't see the point in going backwards. I think its perfectly acceptable to acknowledge different ways of life, because everyone has always been different.

I've seen plenty of marriages get canned (google searching statistics tell it better than I can) and I've seen plenty that work. It is as viable, these days, a being someone's boyfriend or girlfriend. Marriage works, just like any other form of commitment, but you need commitment for marriage to work. Its not the other way around, so I know where my roots are.
Click to expand...
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
-

Back
Top