Slow learner...

-
inkjunkie

inkjunkie

Well-Known Member
Joined
May 24, 2009
Messages
17,413
Reaction score
3,082
Location
......
....or perhaps just stupid? Really beginning to wonder which it is? Seems like every forum I join things start out well then just head south QUICKLY. Pretty sure I may have,gotten tossed from another forum.
Have noticed that the bi-polar swings have returned some. Got in a rip roaring fight with the wife yesterday. Posted something that was meant to be a joke on a forum, someone twisted my words around, and made some major assumptions. Part of the mental health crap is I have a bad case of persecuatory ideation....in English it means I think everyone is out to get me.....so things get personal for me real quick. I took what a few people said VERY PERSONAL and went into attack mode....as every head doc that I have ever seen told me "you have the fight or flight mode door propped open, one foot thru it". Am like this 24-7. So the least little bit of poking and I am off an running.
Been living with this crap since I turned 15. Tried the meds...Couldn't handle the mood stabilizers...if someone like me takes anti-depressants by them selves it triggers constant mania...which for me is rage...black out, violent rage. The kind that hurts people. Have tried meditation, "finding God", pretty much everything. Ended up getting tossed from the USPS, was deemed a hazard to self and others. Found a solution that makes life tolerable...avoidance of people.
Looks like the truth of it all is I just need to avoid all contact with folks. Honestly, whats the point of joining a forum to just get hostile over dumb crap?
When I get like I was yesterday I start SERIOUSLY thinking about suicide. If I had grabbed a gun on my rage fueled trip out of the house there is no doubt in my mind I would have used it when I was sitting in the Observation area I stopped at.
Have all but given up on therapy. Every doc that I have seen has told me that my only option is to learn how to manage this crap.
Sorry for "putting this out there". Seems like all I come on for is this kind of crap. And I honestly don't know why....ain't that like I have gone out of my way to be friendly with any of you folks...
Truly glad I had a vasectomy when I was 22 or so. Ain't no way passing this crap onto another human being would be fair to them.
Again, I do apologize for venting like this...
 
Not sure what to say other than hang in there. If forums just make you angry it might just be something to avoid. I don't post very often, pretty much just my race results or if I can help someone. Whether you think so or not, a LOT of people would miss you if you were gone.
 
Life experiences often continue to contribute to "quick draw" mentality. Many times from an early age false accusations of minor things up to and including felony charges made me quick to react to certain "comments"! After 14 years of law enforcement and seeing the hypocrisy there it didn't help much... My solution? Screw them if they can't take a joke! You are your own master but finding the controls is a never ending battle.
 
I hear ya! Check out this FABO thread that is going downhill fast and being blamed onme.
Hell, I'm just trying to participate and ask questions! 2 think I'm in a bad mood because they read the text that way. So I post my days good news and pictures (Also relative to the thread and the expanding notion of presumed bad mood, a few chicks in bathing suites and MeMike wipes them out! J-par is pissing and moaning like a dog in heat!

good gravy. This must be the piss me off gang trying to ruin my day with shoving there opinion up my *** until I cry uncle or something.
Holy crapoloa!

very rare ? ?
 
Being "spring loaded in the pissed off position" is my differential diagnosis.
No charge.
Perhaps you haven't heard of the Adriver theory?
Most squabbles start on forums for one of two reasons.
1. People that know a lot act like they know everything.
2. People take themselves too seriously.

My advice is to drive it or sell it. It's all going to burn anyway.
Did I every tell you about the time I was feeling sorry for my situation.
Then I saw a fellow trying to get up the hill to the bank, in a wheel chair, in the rain.

Also either listen to a good song.



Or watch a funny movie.

 
Dang, junkie. - Sounds like you ain't having much fun at all! Seriously though you actually sound like you've got your head screwed on better than a lot of other folks.

I'm not a big fan of meds. I know they've got their place but by themselves they're like putting a band-aid on a deep wound. They may provide immediate benefits but when you remove them the underlying problem still exists.

I commend you for your willingness to try all the things you have. A lot of people would focus blame on everyone around them for their anger and deny they have a problem. - Ya, it sounds that you've got some major issues but you're not alone. Read through the threads. There are more than a few people here that are quick to anger. You're at least stepping up and owning it.

The meds may be helping but environment is a key factor in any long term relief. - And the environment is everywhere. Everyone you meet, the weather, the house you live in, your job, shows you watch on TV, etc, etc... Many of them are bound to drive a person a little crazy. Whenever you can, - make changes that improve that environment.

Although I don't consider myself prone to anger, I do get mad. Often it's over things I should shrug off but I let them get under my skin. I'm more likely to suffer depression and I find that I need to distance myself from the things that bring me down. I also try to re-focus my attention on other things (such as the garage projects) instead of allowing myself to dwell on whatever else was bugging me. It tends to have a secondary benefit. Building stuff helps to develop a sense of accomplishment and prevents the feeling that I'm stuck in some hellish world where every day is just a repeat of the day before.

You'd said that you tried meditation and tried 'finding God'. I'm not sure what that all entailed. Personally I think that without God I'd have become a real a**hole. - More than what I am now. My beliefs have helped instill in me a concern for others that helps to keep me from only focusing on what's going on with me. - But I've had to acknowledge that the best choices to make are not always what's in my own best interests.

Once when I was feeling really down because of management where I worked, a friend of mine told me to simply 'consider the source'. What he wanted to convey to me was that I shouldn't let myself place too much importance on things that others are doing or saying if they're not the type of people whose opinions I would respect.

Hang in there.
 


I thought I'd post the Animal's '64 song ' I'm Mad Again'. - Not meaning to make light of your situation but somehow it seems to fit. I tend to listen to a lot of 60s & 70s rock.
 
Doug, I've done extensive research into depression and all
its manifestations.
If you've exhausted all conventional means, there are new not
so traditional therapies that are showing great promise.
I would encourage you to look at those, even the gov is working
with them in the treatment of our returning soldiers with
very good results.
Suffering sucks and can become all consuming.
 
Last edited:
I don't know what to say either, Doug, but Kitty and I will pray for yall. If you need to talk, you know where I am.
 
Sounds like you got a decent grasp or awareness on things Doug. I have a brother inlaw who just doesnt want to recongnize something isn't right. Won't accept any help from us when he needs it most.
Anyways its pretty easy for anyone of us to let others get us keyed up and angry. As for myself I find it is partly them that can be a trigger but its mostly myself that is at the real root of it.
I had to learn that I needed to forgive and let go of things. To dwell or steep in anger or bitterness for any reason fair or unfair was a terribly unhappy place to keep myself. I would end up making myself miserable and the worst part subjecting my grumbling self to the people I love the most and not even realizing what It had been like for them.
I have my own issues as do all I suspect and wasn't sure I should even post as I would hate to make things worse with some unprofessional babbling here. But it sounds like you were having not so good results from the pros lately.
Just let it all go. You don't need to hang onto the things that will keep winding us up over and over again. Realizing this has helped me and its nice to see a smile on my Tammy's face. It just kills me how me and my problems had made her sad. I am careful now to keep from going there again.
All the best.
 
I admit I can lack patience. (putting it mildly).. in my "older age" I sometimes wonder if I have anyways had some sort of "mental handicap",... ' mental Problem" maybe?? do people recognize if they have a mental problem, if it does e xist? , or, are we ALL a little nuts in some way? I have to wonder.

several things have always helped me when I feel short of patence, easy to get overly pissed at something or a situation, or someone. working with my horses, spending time with my dogs. not people. make a mistake handling that horse, and he might never forget. some will some won't. I cannot let myself be short of patience and understanding. never hurt that horse mentally or physically. install in him a desire to work, have a work ethic. my behavior will shape his world. same way with people.

the dogs. if I feel like having any behavior, or feelings that are not appropriate, I spend time with the dogs. they give unconditional love. they ask me for very little except to LOVE them. sounds simple, it is, and helps me/

my faith. God does not create our problems, He provides a solution. we have to search his true Word, some of us have larger burdens to bare than others. if I can just let my Faith have a chance to intervene in bad feelings, I can have the strength and patience to get past any occasion.
 
I used to get mad a lot. My own family was kindof afraid of me. At work my hammer was my favorite tool. Since shortly after 94, I can only remember being angry just one time. I tried to analyze this behavior many times. Then one day it came to me.Every time anger arose up in me, it was because I was being challenged.I realized that I was of the opinion that I knew everything. And whenever challenged, my response was anger. So having finally figured it out, I made a conscious change in my thinking.I decided that from that day on,every time anger would well up in me, I would stop and say to myself something like "AJ you are not GOD. You do not know everything." This became my anger management program. It wasn't instant relief. But I got better at not letting anger get the best of me.The biggest challenge in the old days,(the pre-94 days),was controlling my tongue. That thing had a mind of it's own when I got angry. It got me into so much trouble, and I'm sure I hurt a lot of people.
So what happened in 94?
You guessed it, I had my DNA changed.Anyone who accepts Jesus as Lord and Savior, he is a new creation. I know, I know; that sounds like religious mumbo-jumbo ; At least it did to me. Even on the day of my baptism,now "fellow Christians" asked me;"so can you feel it? Can you feel the Holy Spirit"? Well, um, No I said to myself, I feel nothing you idiot! But over the following months I noticed I was spending a lot of time in reading the Bible.Now as a youth and young man, I had wandered through the pages many times; not getting much out of it.Now however, things were jumping off the pages, that I had never considered. For at least a year, I devoured that book.Along the way people began to notice, that I was somehow different. Anger had packed up and skedaddled, along with the rest of my less-than-stellar character traits.
I can tell you point blank, that until I became a Believer,and made a Public Statement recognizing Jesus; religion was not for me, and the bible was a sad story of a vindictive,murderous,Hebrew God. Afterwards I got to know that God, through his word, and that's when the changes began. Not day-one for me.Maybe I was a tough nut to crack,IDK.
That was 22 years ago.And I wouldn't want that old life back.
There are many sicknesses,diseases,and infirmities,in the world today.Many of them, I have come to believe, are life-style related.To a non-Believer,this is more mumbo-jumbo. But a Believer comes to realize that God has retired to his throne-room in heaven.The Bible says so.He gave us everything we needed prior to the first coming of Jesus, to figure out the truth.The story of Jesus gave us everything we needed to live under his protection. That includes freedom of sickness etc. He took our sickness to the cross. He suffered in our place. He died, and arose and lived again,then retired to his Fathers throne-room to sit at Gods right hand.That's what the Bible says.They are there, very near by, watching and waiting, for the fullness of time.. When Jesus went up, the Holy Spirit came down. He is in the world today seeking out those who speak God's word, eager to perform it. That is one of His primary duties. Our Lords are waiting for the time of the end,prescribed by God, to return and gather up the true Believers, and destroy the rest. That's right DESTROY! There are no in-betweeners.You are either for Him or against Him.
The moment you come to believe, is the moment you receive Life. God keeps books of records.One of them is called "the book of life". The moment you become a Believer, your name gets written in the book.God puts a seal on you. It is then up to you, to claim Gods promises. Promises of good health, prosperity,long life,etc. YOU have to claim them; they do not fall from heaven automatically.Sadly, it is possible for your name to be blotted out of the book of life.There is an evil doctrine out there that says once-saved-always-saved; do not believe it. When you become a Believer, you will be able to see through this evilness.
If a person is ill, be it illness of the body, or illness of the mind, A Christian might say "you are oppressed of the devil", or "you are suffering under the curses put on your father or grandfather, up to the 4th generation". While it is entirely possible, that they are right, it seems to not be mandatory for you to be a Believer, to receive healing. But the promises are made to Believers who are doers of the word, not just hearers.Remember, the Holy Spirit is seeking to perform the word of God. That means the Believer has to speak it. That means you have to read it. As a new Believer you will be given just a tiny bit of faith. A very tiny bit. It is very vulnerable to being lost. You can lose it in an instant. Satan goes about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. He's not interested in non-believers; he knows they are going to be consumed in the lake of fire.He's also not much interested in established Believers; their roots are too strong. He is extremely interested in new Believers cuz he knows they are vulnerable.It will be your task as a new Believer, to resist him mightily, cuz he is a powerful adversary.He is stronger than you. Your primary defenses will be; the written-spoken Word,fellow believers,and prayer.As a Believer you have instant access to the throne-room of God. As a new Believer, you are a new creation, all your previous evil things you might have done, are forthwith forgiven. From the Belief-Moment on, you are responsible only for new sins.That means you are washed clean and white as snow, your former sins having been blotted out.God is eager to get to know you.He will be keeping an eye on you. But you have to endure, and not give up that tiny kernel of faith. Faith comes by hearing, and by hearing the Word of God.So get into the Word, and read it outloud.Resist satan and he will flee from you.How do you resist? By speaking the Word out loud, to his face, when he attacks.He has no defense against the Word of God nor the name of Gods son.As a a new-Believer satan will lay many traps to deceive you. He wants you back on his side; the lake of fire side. satan cannot read your mind,but he can put thoughts into your mind.It's on you to recognize those thoughts and banish them--OUTLOUD. Yeah I know that sound crazy. But if you believe on Jesus, you must accept that there is also an invisible evil entity who wants nothing less than your destruction.Your mind will be a battlefield.Perhaps he will attack your body as well.
You will read many things in the Bible that will sound preposterous.This is because you come in with a mind full of pre-conceived notions based on the things you have learned along life's journey. You must set aside those learned things, and let the Word in.Lay aside everything you were taught in school.There are many evil doctrines in the world today.
By now you may be thinking, I am a raving lunatic. A bible-thumping evangelist. And maybe I am. It is written; that if I do not acknowledge Jesus,before men, then neither will Jesus acknowledge me before God.
But I see anger as a formidable foe, but with the help of God, totally over-comeable. Believers have the power to become over-comers.We are given the power to become the Sons of God.By ourselves we are powerless.The Word of God has power all it's own. The power is in the words. Speak the words.
Claim the promises,speak the Word,resist the devil,endure to the end.
Cling to the Word. Escape the lake of fire, retire in heaven with God and his Son,and the Heavenly host,for at least a thousand years, and then; well, you'll just have to read all about it.............in the Word...........as a Believer.
 
Last edited:
Hey Doug, hang in there man. As said before, you'd be missed tremendously.
Just for me, I wouldn't have Ernie's outstanding Albondigas recipe without you.
And I always look forward to see what you got going on the smokers and what's happening with the poopshooters.
Keep on posting and don't give those that anger you a second thought.
Looking forward to what you got cooking...
 
Me back again.

Inkjunkie, your post was like a bombshell. Now I'm more antsy than a 6 year old that's drank 2 pitchers of Kool-Aid and been denied bathroom privileges. Where you been & how you doin'.

Awhile back I posted about how I was feeling down on my build thread. I'd thought about leaving FABO at that time because some of the drama was getting to me. Some members wrote back and encouraged me to stay. I felt foolish for ever speaking up about the way I'd felt and thought some would think I was being insincere - that I'd only been fishing for pity.

You better not be feeling weird about putting this out here for us to read. If anything, I'd say I'm proud of you for having the stones to talk about it. I don't read even 1% of the threads on FABO but I did stumble upon this one. The way you described what you've been going through made me realize I've been taking my own current problems too seriously again.

SO, - how you doin'.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
-

Back
Top