She claims she does. Understanding it and knowing what it truly means are 2 entirely different animals.
This is one of the reason I do my best to avoid any sort of serious friendships. And the irony of my one true friend is he is more or less the spitting image of me in a lot of ways.
I do realize that I look at life a bit differently than most. For me there is very little grey, everything is black & white. All I have ever asked, ever since all sh*t hit the fan years ago, is for a peaceful life. And knowing that I have these problems makes it very difficult at times. I really feel that my life was easier when I was just a raving Mad Man, spitting fire and nails at will, with no understanding of why. Because before I understood what is wrong with me I had no remorse for doing the things I did. I had no issue with jumping down my Ex's throat in public, and even less of a problem with jumping down some ones throat that tried to intervene. At times I wish I could be that cold hearted sob again........but I am fully aware that NOBODY would ever tolerate it.
We will get thru this. I am sure our upcoming conversation is going to get heated, because that is pretty much the only way things go for me when this sort of stuff happens. And heated conversations are pretty much useless for all involved. Which is a shame, because I feel that Ernie is my world. Some of the things are getting to me right now have been an ongoing issue. I have no one to blame but myself for not talking about them......communication has never been a strong point of mine.
You have my number. You've been there for me, if you need me, I am there for you.
Don't sweat it Doug. Daddy was Mr. Merritt. I'm just plain old Rob. lol
This may sound strange but think about it.
We all have ego's and our own baggage that we bring with us everywhere we go.
My family has been headed for as long as I can remember by my Father who was/is a strong force for honor and integrity in our family.
I am the oldest Son and my Father is fading fast, so it is up to me to keep that legacy going in our family and this is how I handle it.
The following is my inner dialogue I use to maintain the frame of mind I need with my family and my friends alike.
"I am the force for honor and good that leads.
I am the bearer of the sword that can kill, or protect as I choose to use it.
It reminds me that I could easily behead any threat at any time I choose.
But choose only to use it to protect my family and friends.
If one of them needs to take something out on me, so be it as I know they do not really mean to hurt me.
I am the safe one to tread on, if you have to tread on someone.
I will not behead you for needing me, even though sometimes my ego may beg me to.
I will be here for you no matter the fight at hand because I have sworn to myself that this is who and what I will be for you."
This is the attitude I try to carry with me every day, and it is pretty damn hard to stick to it sometimes.
I also "loan" my sword when I see someone that needs it more than I do at the moment.
What a whacko huh?
I don't think I have ever told anyone that before.
I dont understand it all but i understand that a member \friend is hurting .THATS ALL I NEED TO UNDERSTAND ! disgust....................................Hang in ther dougIsn't it great when some people just jump into a subject AS IF EVERYONE KNEW WHAT THE HECK THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT ???
What is this supposed to be?
one step forward 4 step back :banghead::banghead:
IJ: have you ever considered professional help?