She's Killin Me Here ... Could Use Some Tips on Living With the Elderly

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You have had a lot of good advice

The best is you have to take care of yourself. Caregivers usually go down quick, trying to do what is best for a loved one.

There is a reason there are health care facilities, no one want to put mom or dad there, but glad they are available when the time comes.

I have seen both sides, had elderly people trying to live alone, and the ones in nursing homes.

For many years I worked at one. The people that work there try very hard to give the best care for your loved one. They also have people there 24 hours a day 7 days a week and 365 days a year, something family members cannot do and still maintain their life

It sounds like Billy's mom needs medical attention, let her doctor make suggestions. If there are other family members or friends that can come in and help, let them.

But your life is changed for ever as long as you are her caregiver.

My brother was in hospital mental ward, we went and got him and brought him home since his wife filed for divorce. He was a handful for my wife who was his main caregiver. I had a hard time dealing with him during this time. Mental issues make life difficult for everyone around. Sleep was difficult for us as he would be up and down day & night.

Good luck and take care of yourself, you are no good to anyone if you are down too.
 
Tried to PM you, the inbox is full. Head over to the county offices and ask for the Elderly care reps. They can be a wonderful bunch of people. I'll try to PM and give you some more ideas. We've been through this, it's a tough time so don't be shy and ask for help.
 
Wish I could offer advice, other than Good Luck. My Mom and Dad are now gone, so hang on to 'er while you can!! As hard as this may sound, I don't think a "facility" is always the answer. I got no input when my sister decided to move my Mom, and I'm convinced it hastened her downfall.
 
Hi Leanna. This is my first time opening this thread. The wife and I had the reverse of this situation as when my father died and we left Florida and went to live with my mother in Va. to help her out.........for 5 yrs. :violent1:. My wife Linda & i had many issues over that period of time. It's late here in the east, but i will read thru this thread tomorrow and if i can add anything i will. Stay strong young lady.....
 
Leanna, Your situation is all to common today. Thats why they make sitcoms like Fraiser, King Of Queens, Raising Hope. These lead us to believe its a managable situation. You are one of the many who have learned the hard way that in real life this situation is not managable and is far from comical.
I dont have words of support nor can I guide you to the support you need. I do hope and pray you find it.
 
Just moral support here.
I assume you are not "medical people". Get the professionals involved.
But when the time comes, don’t prolong the inevitable more than necessary.

I've been where your husband is. It's not fun. But it will end. Maybe not tomorrow. But it will. She's 84.
Relief and sadness. A strange mix.
Good thing he's got someone like you to help and hold to.
Take care of yourself. If you don't, who will?
 
Some good advice here. Best is to get Dr. diagnosis. My Mom had the big A for 10 years before we lost her a year ago. Sounds like early stages of A for your Mom/mother-in-law. It is an evening onset disease in that symptoms get worse at evening/nite. The elderly w A need familiar environment and sameness. She is under stress from loss of her husband and moving in with you. Also mirrors at night give them impression of people in room with her. My Mom would call my brother and tell him there were people in room with her. He lived 30 mile away and would have to drive at night to calm her. In transition she lived w my sister and refered to her as the "lady who takes care of me" not recognizing her as her daughter. She eventually had to live in a nursing home, where the staff treated her very well. Good luck with your situation. Get some sleep and you may have to adjust your sleep habits (or take naps, not that bad once you get over the stigma). Take care of yourselves.
 
After nearly 10 glorious hours of sleep last night -- in a row!!! -- I'm feeling a little more coherent and a lot less desperate today. Thanks first for all the great advice and personal stories ... they have all helped and made me realize we're not alone in this.

His mom is totally lucid 99.8% of the time and her episodes of seeing things are only at night when I suspect she's just dreaming. The three weeks she spent with us in August after Lee's fall / hip break showed NONE of this behavior, and the only real difference between now and then is that her husband isn't coming home this time.

She goes back and forth between seeming to be comfortable here and wanting to go back to her house and live by herself. Billy's pretty much given her the ultimatum that she can stay here with us or she can go to a nursing home. Though she doesn't come out and say so, I think she's internally pissed off that we're taking away her independence -- I can relate to that myself -- but if she goes back home (four miles away) I'll just be spending a lot more time in the car responding to her little daily emergencies.

I neglected to mention in yesterday's post that she just went to her doctor on the 11th. He gave her a clean bill of health, said her blood work was fine and that he was going to continue her pain medication (for arthritis). Out of one side of his mouth he told me that "Her blood sugar is right in line where it should be," while simultaneously handing me three prescriptions for a new blood glucose meter, test strips and lancets.

I've been the one cleaning up their house gathering all the paperwork I need for the probate attorney. Though I won't go into details here about that fiasco LOL, I will say I've found no less than five blood glucose meters, a stack of Arriva diabetic testing supplies FOUR FEET HIGH and countless boxes of unused lancets.

After looking at the prescriptions he just handed me, I asked her doctor "Why does she need all this when she already has five brand new meters and all these supplies at her house already? This seems an awful lot like Medicare fraud to me," he opened and closed his mouth like a trout out of water, started stammering and uhhhhhing, wouldn't meet my gaze and started paging through her file. All he could come up with was that he gave her one prescription for blood testing supplies in June. He couldn't answer my question of where the other meters and supplies came from. He's her only doctor, and has been since we all moved to Tennessee in 2006.

View attachment arrow through the head.jpg

Needless to say, after that 3-minute conversation with her doctor (who incidentally was also his dad's doctor, and who refused to authorize an autopsy), I don't have a lot of confidence in his assessments. When I got home with her and told Billy what the doctor had said and done, he got worried too; we'd like her to see someone else and get a second opinion at least on the diabetic issue -- we don't know if she's diabetic or not, and neither does she.

The problem with the suggestions of senior care facilities, doctor shopping and even church are that none of those things are right here in Greenfield. The only Catholic church is 12 miles away (this is serious Baptist country) and "real" hospitals are further than that. They do have a senior van from the Northwest Tennessee something-or-other but each trip is $15 regardless of where they take ya, and the driver is prohibited from helping the riders on or off the bus. (???) I'm missing enough time from work just dealing with all this stuff as it is, let alone driving her out of town all the time too.

She and Lee also had the same problem that Billy and I have endured since moving here: Everyone is friendly but it's really hard to make FRIENDS. Maybe I'm over simplifying it, but it sure seems as soon as they find out you aren't interested in going to their (Baptist) church, they'll be nice to your face but don't really want anything to do with you or be inclined to get to know you better. So relying on her friends and finding people her age to help us out and keep her entertained isn't going to work either.

Giving her little projects to help out like making lunch and peeling potatoes for supper and things do seem to help her and give her some purpose off the couch. I've got about two gallons of nuts and bolts -- her husband's hardware left overs lol -- in a five gallon bucket that I'm thinking of having her sort out since she seems to enjoy being out in the shop a little bit.

Anyway, the more I think about all of this and compare right now to how she was in August, I'm fairly confident and very hopeful that this weirdness is only temporary. Her own mother lived to be 102, and it's my understanding she didn't have dementia or Alzheimer's and that it doesn't run in their family or anything. Only time will tell I suppose. In the meantime, we'll just have to make the best of things.

Thanks to each and every one who replied -- even the FABO wives!! :-D thanks ladies -- and shared their own experiences. I know we're not alone now, and comparing Vert's actions to some of your parents' helps me to realize she's not as bad off as she could be (yet). At least I know what to expect if it gets that far.
 
Hun we are still with you Im happy you got some sleep . Maybe it could be stress of loss that shes doing wha shes doing . Pm me if you need some thing i can help with
 
well if it helps you can call and scream at me....just sayin..my mom has dimensia and very similar
 
Defiantly find another dr!!!!!!!!! sounds like he is taking things a little to far to bring in
kick back on elderly folks..... wow!! and I thought they (med a care) would investigate
this doctor by now, if not turn him in proto, but in a small town this may not be advisable if there is not another close by leanna..

Keeping yall in my prayers, and so glad to hear you had a well needed nights sleep .
 
I saw these little houses that they are selling for the elderly that can be put in the back yard. They are built for elderly people to make it easier for them to get around in. Basically they are 'park model' trailers. My brother lives in one 6 months of the year in S.Texas. They are like 400sqft trailers. Put one in and let her live there. Then she has her independence but is in wallking distance....and get a new doctor.
 
I know how Elderly inlaws can be a real PIA but as time goes by hopefully you will find balance again. We have the same problem with her father that sleeps on and off all day while watching TV. It is almost impossible to get him to change even though that behavior deteriorates his health even further. I like the advice given here to give her a purpose through chores etc.. I tend to believe that when the mind loses purpose the body soon follows.
 
You might also take a VERY good look at whatever prescriptions she's taking. "Back when" I'd had my car crash, one of my many turned-out-to-be useless specialist had given me some sleeping pills Turned out the dammed things were giving me hallucinations and were the cause of some pretty outrageous nightmares.

I had one other med that occasionally caused me dizzyness, until we finally ran that one down.
 
I also have nothing to offer but to pray you have the strength to handle this trying time.

Arco
 
Well, from a diabetic:

Low blood sugar causes me to be scatterbrained, and not be able to analyze complex problems.

High blood sugar causes severe lack of motivation and borderline depression.

Have you ever actually seen her measure her blood glucose level?
If so what was the number?
Reading should be taken about 1-2 hours after a meal.

People who aren't diabetic normally don't ever have a number over about 120.
The normal range is 80-120.
Over 150 is time for serious diet modification or medication.
Under 50 is likely to cause fianting and possible death if no assistance is rendered.
 
...............and she could be either diabetic or hypoglycemic, something I fought with for years. About 80% of my Mother's side of the family is either hypo or diabetic.

and YY is correct. Blood sugar DOES affect the way you think, your attitude, your energy, everything.
 
memike said:
Defiantly find another dr!!!!!!!!! sounds like he is taking things a little to far to bring in
kick back on elderly folks..... wow!! and I thought they (med a care) would investigate
this doctor by now, if not turn him in proto, but in a small town this may not be advisable if there is not another close by leanna..

Keeping yall in my prayers, and so glad to hear you had a well needed nights sleep .
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I'm with Mike on this,...If your not comfortable with her Doc, get a second, third or fourth opinion. Insist on It.

We went througn this with my G/ma when she was in her early 80's,....Diagnosed with dementia, Lots of the same symptomes,...My Dad fought with the doctors and the hospital reapeatedly,...His persistence paid off,...He finally got her seen by a Doc who ordered, CAT scan and MRI;s,...found a partially block carotid artery which was restricting blood flow to her brain,...had her operated on, Dropped all her Meds (cause the meds were fighting themselves, this is very common), (re)presribed her for just basic meds,...and It was like a new person,...she became the Nana we all knew before,...She lived to 89,...

Spent her last years in a convelesent home and liked It,...She had a schedule, a social life, and plenty of friends. The staff there knew that her family was watching them, and It made a huge difference in how she was treated. It helped that she was in the local home in the town she spent her whole life in, so she knew everybody.

My Dad feels that without his being a pain in the *** concerning her care, she would have gone a lot sooner, do to misdiagnosis and apathy from the system,...I have to agree with him as I have personally seen this by being an EMT for 25 years,...We both wondered how many of our elderly have been lost cause nobody "really" looked after them and the care they were not getting,...
 
Dear Leanna,
I am replying to you at my husbands request. He read what you wrote and felt sure I would have something to offer. There is lots of good advice here. I feel like I am walking in your shoes. My husband and I have vowed to look after his parents and I think we have experienced some of the same things you are going through. My mother-in-law found out she has Alzheimers about 15 years ago. There are many stages and the symptoms change. It is not the same journey for any two people who have it. You really need a doctor to help you find the cause of the "strange" behavior. It sounds like she is fairly clear thinking during the day and the behavior that is the biggest problem occurs at night and early morning. My experience with Alzheimers is that the time of day has no relation to the behavior. My father-in-law had many other health issues, kidney disease, thyroid malfuctions, and bladder cancer all took over his body during the last couple years of his life. One or all of these illnesses made it impossible for his body to process food correctly. As a result his calcium levels went through the roof. His high calcium levels brought on what we were told is called Sundowners (I don't think that would be the technical name). Dad got very mixed up in the evenings. His days would be full of naps and old TV shows. He went to bed early every night exhausted. Then he would wake up one or more times during the night. He would think it was time to get up, or that he had to get ready to go somewhere, he would start to cook something then forget it on the stove, he couldn't think things through or hold a conversation without losing track of what was even being said. Then as the sun came up his thinking would clear. He never seemed to remember what he did over night.
My point is, the cause could be any of a number of things. You can't solve the problem or pick a way to deal with it until you know what "it" is. I pray you and your husband can work together to explain to his mom that there is a problem and that she consents to finding out what it is. I am sure that with some time and tests the cause will be discovered and then a plan to eliminate or minumize the symptoms can be set in motion. Until then you and your husband need to take good care of each other. You both will be unable to take care of mom if either of you are falling apart. What ever the outcome I am sure God will bless you all for doing what you can, to loving care for your mother-in-law. I am sure this is difficult on all of you. Talk honestly about your fears and frustrations and pray about them. God will help you find the answers that work best for all of you. As we go through difficult times we need to trust that each step we take trusting in God brings us closer to the victory He has planned for us.
My father-in-law's health problems were not fun, but we all felt blessed for the time we had together, for fighting a good fight together. Dad knew he was well loved and everthing that could be done was done. Mom is so far gone in her illness that it is hard to know for sure what she thinks. She has been reduced to the abilities that are simular to a two year old now. We live with her and with the help of a part time day care provider who comes to the house, we provide for her every need. She is happy and affectionate. She rarely says anything to indicate that she knows us or her own home. However, it was her wish to remain in her home until she dies. We are thankful that we have been able to keep her here so far. It is not an easy road but we are blessed each day with smiles, her hand to hold, a rare hug, an occasional thank you, and once in a great while she can put three words together and says "I love you".
God bless you all on your journey,
Cyndi
 
So, I haven't had a sleepwalking episode for a few years (that I know of), and after mentioning that I sleepwalk in your post the other day, I did it again that night.

Weird.
 
Snake said:
simple put her in a home,she will be happy there she will be with people just like her.
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That's not even close to true.

I've known some elderly that have enjoyed being in a home, and I've known some that beg to leave, and/or lay in bed all day, asking to die.

Billy and Leanna are trying to help her, and are concerned about her health, mental state and happiness. A home may be in her future, but assuming everyone is the same, and suggesting the easy way out without research isn't helpful.

Decent nursing homes are very expensive, too.
 
Wow Snake, that was honestly kind of harsh but if that's the way you feel then I'm glad you shared that. The way I see it, there is no "simple" solution.

She's not my mom but has treated me very well since I've known her and has been one of the first to offer to help when she thought I needed it. She's never turned her back on me -- and didn't hesitate to open her home so we could live with them for 13 months after Hurricane Katrina -- so I have no intentions of bailing on her now that the shoe's on the other foot.

Sorry to hear about the new sleepwalking episode Tom. Somewhat coincidentally, his mom has slept through the last two nights and hasn't interrupted my rest since I posted this thread. Weird x2. :-D

Thanks again for all the awesome input everybody! Every bit helps.
 
Does she own her home? If so, perhaps she could sell it and build a small cottage on your property so she would be close enough to care for but not under your feet all day and night, and she'd have some independance.

Just a thought. Hope you're surviving, I can only imagine how tough it is. My father in law is setting into dementia and has had a few strokes so the brain is short circuiting off and on, but mercifully he doesn't live with us.

Take care
 
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